In this post, I'm going to explain the difference between "expectancy" and "expectation." One exists within healthy relationship, and the other kills healthy relationship. "Expectancy" is the good one. It's the natural result of good relationship. Think about how you look forward to seeing your friends and visiting with them simply because they're your friends. There's a joyful "expectancy" and excitement that exists within the friendship. It's like a kind of happy anticipation. "Expectation" on the other hand, is something that kills good relationship. "Expectation" is when you begin placing standards on other people and expecting them to meet your requirements. And while that may sound very easy to identify and avoid, expectations have a way of slipping into our relationships without us realizing. We often don't realize we've put a standard over someone until they fail to meet that standard. Let me give you an example that helps define "expectancy" and "expectation."
Let's say you decide to go to the beach with your friends. This trip has been constantly on your mind since it was planned. Your excitement builds for weeks and weeks; you simply can't wait! You pack everything and have it all in order 10 days before you even leave. You talk to your friends every day leading up to the trip and talk about all the fun that you're going to have with each other. This is the good part. This is "expectancy."
But let's say you get to the beach house. The day has finally arrived! You've made a mental "to do" list of all the things that you want to do with your friends. You have a glorious weekend doing all sorts of fun stuff, but you don't do any of the things that were on your mental "to do" list. You're disappointed. You're disappointed with your friends, yourself, and the whole trip. Why? You did plenty of other fun stuff! So why are you disappointed? The answer is because you had an "expectation" that was not met. You had unwittingly placed an "expectation" on your friends to do certain things with you, even though they might not be able to do those things. Yet you placed an expectation on them anyway. You lowered a very specific standard onto the trip and when that standard was not met in the EXACT way you envisioned, you were disappointed.
This principal is present in relationships all the time. We unknowingly place expectations on our children, our spouse, and our friends. And if they don't meet the requirement that we've placed on them in the exact way we've envisioned, we're disappointed. Allow me to give a quote from William Paul Young's the Shack.
"Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is an expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that expectancy to an expectation -- spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in the way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what good friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend."
The root issue of placing "expectations" on people is that we subconsciously think our friends are responsible to do certain things for us. We think we have a RIGHT to require of people. The problem is, we don't. "Rights" should have no place in a relationship. Nobody has "rights" over anybody. I should point out that when it comes to moral issues of right and wrong, it is absolutely OK to want people to do what is right. It's OK for a parent to want their child to clean their room. But when love is the center of a relationship, there is no need for expectations and requirements. Children will clean their room because they love their parents. Parents will help their children with algebra because they love them. There is no need for each to place "expectations" over the other. Love gets rid of the need for requirements and expectations. Expectations and requirements create a contract. Not a relationship. When we place a list of rules and requirements over people, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment and placing burdens on them that they shouldn't have to bear. Let's make love the center of our relationships instead of expectation.
Let's say you decide to go to the beach with your friends. This trip has been constantly on your mind since it was planned. Your excitement builds for weeks and weeks; you simply can't wait! You pack everything and have it all in order 10 days before you even leave. You talk to your friends every day leading up to the trip and talk about all the fun that you're going to have with each other. This is the good part. This is "expectancy."
But let's say you get to the beach house. The day has finally arrived! You've made a mental "to do" list of all the things that you want to do with your friends. You have a glorious weekend doing all sorts of fun stuff, but you don't do any of the things that were on your mental "to do" list. You're disappointed. You're disappointed with your friends, yourself, and the whole trip. Why? You did plenty of other fun stuff! So why are you disappointed? The answer is because you had an "expectation" that was not met. You had unwittingly placed an "expectation" on your friends to do certain things with you, even though they might not be able to do those things. Yet you placed an expectation on them anyway. You lowered a very specific standard onto the trip and when that standard was not met in the EXACT way you envisioned, you were disappointed.
This principal is present in relationships all the time. We unknowingly place expectations on our children, our spouse, and our friends. And if they don't meet the requirement that we've placed on them in the exact way we've envisioned, we're disappointed. Allow me to give a quote from William Paul Young's the Shack.
"Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is an expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that expectancy to an expectation -- spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in the way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what good friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend."
The root issue of placing "expectations" on people is that we subconsciously think our friends are responsible to do certain things for us. We think we have a RIGHT to require of people. The problem is, we don't. "Rights" should have no place in a relationship. Nobody has "rights" over anybody. I should point out that when it comes to moral issues of right and wrong, it is absolutely OK to want people to do what is right. It's OK for a parent to want their child to clean their room. But when love is the center of a relationship, there is no need for expectations and requirements. Children will clean their room because they love their parents. Parents will help their children with algebra because they love them. There is no need for each to place "expectations" over the other. Love gets rid of the need for requirements and expectations. Expectations and requirements create a contract. Not a relationship. When we place a list of rules and requirements over people, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment and placing burdens on them that they shouldn't have to bear. Let's make love the center of our relationships instead of expectation.
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