Male Sexual Oversimplification and Misunderstanding:
Often, according to common thought, men are perceived as very animalistic creatures who separate emotion from physicality when it comes to sex. It's really become quite a strong stereotype--"Men don't care about bonding and emotional connection with their spouse, they just want to satisfy their physical passions."
While I'm not discounting the male sex-drive, I am definitely in strong opposition to the idea that emotions play no role in a man when it comes to sexuality. To be frank, when we summarize a man's sexual desire as 100% physical, we're not only displaying a lack of understanding concerning a man's nature, but we're also nurturing and reinforcing negative male stereotypes AND behavior. To use the words of Jonathan Daugherty, "If we reduce a man simply to his sexuality or his sexual urges, we're really missing a whole lot of what there is in a man" (JWJ #233). Namely, we're missing a man's desire for intimate bonding and emotional connection through sex.
I mean, if we genuinely believe men are emotionally separated from their sexuality and expect them to behave as animals, why do we feign shock and horror when they treat people like sex-objects and do emotionally separated things such as consume porn and not ask for consent? They're literally doing the exact thing our society expects of men: unemotional, irrational, selfish ejaculation no matter the cost.
This is an astronomically important concept for us to understand within marriage. Ladies, if you think your husband is interested in using your body to get off rather than bond with you in the most intimate way he knows how, your sex life (and marriage) will suffer more than I can possibly put into words. Husbands, for the sake of your precious wives, put your emotions into words and explain your desire to connect with your spouse goes far beyond physical pleasure. Articulate that you wish to please her and bond with her in any way you can.
Certainly, some men are absolute jerks, even if flawed teaching of what it means to be a man has not been ingrained in them. Some guys are just selfish and don't care about anything other than their own physical satisfaction. But I genuinely believe that, at its core, the heart of a man when it comes to sex is to deeply, emotionally connect and bond with a someone who means more to him than life itself. When that is communicated from husband to wife, sexual disfunction is greatly inhibited. To quote one counselor:
Female Sexual Oversimplification and Misunderstanding:
It's not just the sexuality of men which has been negatively affected by our blanket statements and oversimplification. We oversimplify and misunderstand a woman's sexuality as well. Sure, we might not say feminine sexuality is animalistic and selfish like masculine sexuality, but we do wrongfully sum up a woman's sexuality by saying it's just "complicated" or "non-existent." What if, by saying a woman's sexuality is just "complicated" or "non-existent" or "less important" we're displaying an embarrassing degree of ignorance concerning what women need? Saying a woman's sexuality is "complicated" has far too often been used by men to excuse a lack of understanding regarding what a woman wants and needs from sex with her husband. Rather than try to unravel the mystery of female sexuality, it seems our nuptial culture has just discounted sex as a "guy thing."
Because of this, men often don't know what their wives need and want from sex, so they often fail to provide it for them. In turn, when their wives enjoy sex less and want it less frequently (or not at all), men attempt to absolve themselves from responsibility and ease their feelings of rejection by saying, "she's just complicated and she doesn't like sex." But what if instead, the masculine culture of today simply doesn't know how to bring joy to its counterpart? To the man who has lost hope and considers himself incapable of pleasuring his wife and meeting her needs, don't give up. Yes, women are complicated. Don't use that as an excuse to not figure your wife out. There is abundant hope. Just because your wife doesn't want to have sex does not mean that she does not love you! In fact, when wives have an accurate understanding of what God designed sex to be, they probably want to want it, even when their hormones get in the way. To quote one female marriage counselor:
The truth is, husbands often don't understand just how many factors contribute to a woman's sex drive. Vaginismus, low natural lubrication production, hormone fluctuation, exhaustion, sickness, stress, postmenopausal change, ovulation, menstruation, and simply a lack of understanding could all be in play! There are probably upwards of a billion factors that weigh-in to a woman's sexuality (TCLP #37), yet rather than decipher what's going on, understand and empathize, or even try to meet a wife's need, a husband often brushes off her cold attitude toward sex with one of two statements:
1. "She's just complicated."
2. "She hates sex."
...The first, ironically enough, is a major oversimplification; the second, a misunderstanding.
I do understand that women are vastly different than men, do not produce as much testosterone, and often have lower drives. However, I also refuse to believe that God would create an act of intimacy requiring two people to be enjoyable for only one. Sex was not designed solely for man. Women are meant to enjoy sex every bit as much as their husbands, even if their drive for it is not as strong. If God designed sex with only man in mind, He wouldn't have given woman a clitoris, which serves no other role (reproductive or otherwise) in her body than physical pleasure. Women undeniably get critical emotional, physical, spiritual, relational benefit from physical intimacy with their husbands, yet because husbands often don't know how to provide those benefits through sex in a language their wives understand, division and heartbreak often sprout on both sides.
What if?
What if we changed our paradigm about male and female sexuality within marriage? What would it look like if a wife stopped separating her husband's sex drive from his emotions and started seeing his passion for her as exactly what it is: not a lust for her body, but a deeply emotional expression of genuine love given to her by someone who cares about her very much.
What would it look like if a husband stopped giving up on his wife's cold attitude for sex, refused to oversimplify her sexuality as non-existent, empathized with her position, showed patience and understanding with her hormones, and did his best to help her get what she needed through sex in a language she understood?
Often, according to common thought, men are perceived as very animalistic creatures who separate emotion from physicality when it comes to sex. It's really become quite a strong stereotype--"Men don't care about bonding and emotional connection with their spouse, they just want to satisfy their physical passions."
I mean, if we genuinely believe men are emotionally separated from their sexuality and expect them to behave as animals, why do we feign shock and horror when they treat people like sex-objects and do emotionally separated things such as consume porn and not ask for consent? They're literally doing the exact thing our society expects of men: unemotional, irrational, selfish ejaculation no matter the cost.
This is an astronomically important concept for us to understand within marriage. Ladies, if you think your husband is interested in using your body to get off rather than bond with you in the most intimate way he knows how, your sex life (and marriage) will suffer more than I can possibly put into words. Husbands, for the sake of your precious wives, put your emotions into words and explain your desire to connect with your spouse goes far beyond physical pleasure. Articulate that you wish to please her and bond with her in any way you can.
Certainly, some men are absolute jerks, even if flawed teaching of what it means to be a man has not been ingrained in them. Some guys are just selfish and don't care about anything other than their own physical satisfaction. But I genuinely believe that, at its core, the heart of a man when it comes to sex is to deeply, emotionally connect and bond with a someone who means more to him than life itself. When that is communicated from husband to wife, sexual disfunction is greatly inhibited. To quote one counselor:
"Him (husband) having core values about sex being about connection and about intimacy and about love really, dramatically impacted what my view of sex was like."
-Abi Stumvoll (The Connected Life Podcast #37)
Female Sexual Oversimplification and Misunderstanding:
It's not just the sexuality of men which has been negatively affected by our blanket statements and oversimplification. We oversimplify and misunderstand a woman's sexuality as well. Sure, we might not say feminine sexuality is animalistic and selfish like masculine sexuality, but we do wrongfully sum up a woman's sexuality by saying it's just "complicated" or "non-existent." What if, by saying a woman's sexuality is just "complicated" or "non-existent" or "less important" we're displaying an embarrassing degree of ignorance concerning what women need? Saying a woman's sexuality is "complicated" has far too often been used by men to excuse a lack of understanding regarding what a woman wants and needs from sex with her husband. Rather than try to unravel the mystery of female sexuality, it seems our nuptial culture has just discounted sex as a "guy thing."
Because of this, men often don't know what their wives need and want from sex, so they often fail to provide it for them. In turn, when their wives enjoy sex less and want it less frequently (or not at all), men attempt to absolve themselves from responsibility and ease their feelings of rejection by saying, "she's just complicated and she doesn't like sex." But what if instead, the masculine culture of today simply doesn't know how to bring joy to its counterpart? To the man who has lost hope and considers himself incapable of pleasuring his wife and meeting her needs, don't give up. Yes, women are complicated. Don't use that as an excuse to not figure your wife out. There is abundant hope. Just because your wife doesn't want to have sex does not mean that she does not love you! In fact, when wives have an accurate understanding of what God designed sex to be, they probably want to want it, even when their hormones get in the way. To quote one female marriage counselor:
"My body does not hormonally always say, 'Oh my gosh, I want to have sex so much,' but my heart always does." (TCLP #37).
The truth is, husbands often don't understand just how many factors contribute to a woman's sex drive. Vaginismus, low natural lubrication production, hormone fluctuation, exhaustion, sickness, stress, postmenopausal change, ovulation, menstruation, and simply a lack of understanding could all be in play! There are probably upwards of a billion factors that weigh-in to a woman's sexuality (TCLP #37), yet rather than decipher what's going on, understand and empathize, or even try to meet a wife's need, a husband often brushes off her cold attitude toward sex with one of two statements:
1. "She's just complicated."
2. "She hates sex."
...The first, ironically enough, is a major oversimplification; the second, a misunderstanding.
I do understand that women are vastly different than men, do not produce as much testosterone, and often have lower drives. However, I also refuse to believe that God would create an act of intimacy requiring two people to be enjoyable for only one. Sex was not designed solely for man. Women are meant to enjoy sex every bit as much as their husbands, even if their drive for it is not as strong. If God designed sex with only man in mind, He wouldn't have given woman a clitoris, which serves no other role (reproductive or otherwise) in her body than physical pleasure. Women undeniably get critical emotional, physical, spiritual, relational benefit from physical intimacy with their husbands, yet because husbands often don't know how to provide those benefits through sex in a language their wives understand, division and heartbreak often sprout on both sides.
What if?
What if we changed our paradigm about male and female sexuality within marriage? What would it look like if a wife stopped separating her husband's sex drive from his emotions and started seeing his passion for her as exactly what it is: not a lust for her body, but a deeply emotional expression of genuine love given to her by someone who cares about her very much.
What would it look like if a husband stopped giving up on his wife's cold attitude for sex, refused to oversimplify her sexuality as non-existent, empathized with her position, showed patience and understanding with her hormones, and did his best to help her get what she needed through sex in a language she understood?
"We oversimplify women by saying, 'They're just complicated.'
And we do the same thing to men when we say, 'He's just an animal who wants sex.'"
(Johnathan Daugherty, Java with Juli Episode #233)
(Johnathan Daugherty, Java with Juli Episode #233)
Sources:
- Beating 50 Percent
- Java with Juli Podcast (Episode #233, Understanding Your Man)
- Moral Revolution
- The Connected Life Podcast (Episode #37, Understanding a Woman's Sex Drive)
- Anatomy of Marriage Podcast
Seth, I have wondered the intentions of our heavenly Father in this area beyond reproduction. I think that your essay makes many great points the biggest maybe is to really really be interested in the details of your spouse. This is great advice; to take the time to get into a rhythm of life that works for both but at the same time not being ignorant of some of the science of it too. Great post!
ReplyDeleteI thought of our recent rhythms discussion in relation to this issue too!
DeleteThis is riddled with misunderstandings about the way people are as a married couple, in that they have already addressed all of these issues long before committing to something as serious as marriage. When reading this, it is highly evident that you lack experience with romantic relationships and sex, otherwise this would never have been written. Even for the parts of this post which do bear a dash of truth, it is all learned during the early stages of a relationship, and once learned, remembered indefinitely.
ReplyDeleteIt is well understood by women that their boyfriend or husband seeks a desire for emotional connection during sex (love making naturally occurs during a couple’s intimacy). There is no need for the partner to express a desire to connect with their spouse during sex, as love making is certainly already happening if they are married. Sexual dysfunction could only then occur if outside factors affect their drive or prevent sex, such as: depression, health issues, stress, schedule, trauma, etc.
To address to the women’s sexual misunderstanding section, after being in a serious relationship and having sex enough, a man will already know what factors are at play with regards to her drive. Women do not have a lower sex drive, in fact it can be much higher than a mans drive. If outside factors are not preventing them from wanting to have sex, it may be because of the partners inability to seduce her. Women want to be seduced by their bf/gf in order to have sex, even in long term relationships. They can want sex as much as their partner, they just might need to be put in the mood. Because sex is a different experience for a woman that it is a man, testosterone plays no role in drive for the woman. And it is well understood that the factors, which I mentioned earlier, determine whether or not they will desire sex, including whether there is enough time - because sex can be spontaneous, not exclusively planned, and can happen anywhere at anytime.
Based off what I am reading you are assuming that a married couple has not, and is not, communicating to each other about sexual and emotional needs. This is absurd. Again, if they are married, there is certainly a conversation that has already taken place about this. What you are also assuming is that, for hypothetical purposes, neither person of the marriage has ever been in a relationship before. If they had been in at least one, they would not be overlooking the issues you assume married couples are making.
I’m am going to take a “leap” here and say it is quite clear you have yet to be in a relationship, certainly not been married, and if you’ve had sex, it hasn’t been but a few times - if that. This post is fruitless - both for those with legitimate experience, and even for those who do not have any, as it is largely misguided in many avenues.
Does this contain some truth to it? Yes. Does that counter the fact that this writing is insignificant? No.
My thanks for the feedback. I don't know who you are or what your worldview is, and I have a feeling, based on your arguments here, that we disagree on some pretty fundamental principles. However, I appreciate your honesty.
DeleteWell, Said. Christians for too long have avoided communicating about this.
ReplyDeleteI love your handling of trolls attempting to use fear, manipulation, and intimidation. I totally trust your future relationships (or current ones) will be far superior to those who use such tactics.
ReplyDeleteWhat’s it like having a micro penis?
ReplyDelete